Unless you’re a hermit, contact with people requires communication. These days, it appears social distancing and social media may be impacting our communication skills. Instead of seeking to understand, some people shout to be heard and others retreat from the noise of all the shouting. Rather than assuming another’s intentions, the first step in good communication is for us to ask sincere clarifying questions.

Asking sincere clarifying questions doesn’t mean asking questions so you can take the other person’s opinion or point of view apart. Rather, asking clarifying questions allows you to construct a picture of what the other person’s point of view looks like and maybe even rid yourself of false assumptions.

Clarifying questions can allow you to set your glasses down and put on another person’s pair of glasses. Through what lenses do they view the world?

Or put another way, imagine two people sitting on opposite sides of a table, putting together a puzzle of the universe.

One person sees the puzzle this way:

The other person sees it this way:

They get into an argument (which turns philosophical) over which view of the puzzle is right.

Is it possible they could both be right? Is it more important to insist on being “right”, or is it more important to understand each other’s point of view?

“Having strong communication skills aids in all aspects of life – from professional life to personal life and everything that falls in between. From a business standpoint, all transactions result from communication. Good communication skills are essential to allow others and yourself to understand information more accurately and quickly.

In contrast, poor communication skills lead to frequent misunderstanding and frustration.” https://corporatefinanceinstitute.com/resources/careers/soft-skills/communication/

As a mom, I’m often emphasizing the importance of communication skills with my children. And yet, this morning, I caught myself in the trap of assuming and not using good communication skills.

As I was working, I kept hearing a banging sound. I figured my 20-year-old son was breaking something in the basement. The sound kept repeating over and over. Had I made a mistake when I agreed to let him rent the basement?

Visions of Pacific Heights flashed through my head.

But my son is no Michael Keaton bent on ruining the apartment and taking over the house (at least I hope not). He just leaves lots of cereal bowls around.

I soon discovered the source of the banging—city workers in my front yard who had dug out grass and were banging on the stop sign.

Several thoughts swirled through my head at once. Why hadn’t I been notified that the city was going to be digging up on my property? Were they going to repair the damaged grass they had dug up? What were they doing with the stop sign? Were they replacing it?

I looked for my phone to take some video, just to have proof of what was going on in my front yard. It seems these days you always have to have proof of things or it didn’t happen.

It was as I was taking the video that I paused. With all of the thoughts running through my head, wondering, not knowing, trying to figure out what was going on, I hadn’t taken a step out my front door and asked for clarification.

So, I stopped recording and took that first step out my front door toward communication.

I cracked a joke to the two city workers about thinking my son was demolishing my basement. The workers smiled and explained they were getting the stop sign ready to have concrete poured around it. They further explained that the concrete would help secure the sign in place in case it gets hit.

(The city must have gotten wind about how my sons drive.)

The point is, by taking that first step toward communication and asking, my question was answered.

I didn’t have to wonder or worry for the rest of the day. I wished them well with their work and I moved on with mine.

Too many times we allow questions to fill our minds about the intentions of others and create unnecessary anxiety as well as other emotions due to incorrect assumptions when asking a sincere question can clarify so much.

While teaching my children about the concept of good communication skills, I have to continue to practice them each day as well. This empowers me to understand what is going on with the world around me, it helps me to understand the people I’m interacting with, and by understanding their point of view, it helps increase our mutual understanding of one another.

Let’s seek to understand the circumstances, situations, and comments people make. As more of us seek to understand each other by asking sincere, clarifying questions, we’ll have a greater chance of being understood.

Communication: Taking the First Step in Empowering Ourselves, Our Children, and Others